Friday, February 13, 2009

James' Guide To Relationships ("Happy" Valentine's Day) Pt. 1

People often ask me "James, you magnetic stud-muffin, you, you have such a way with the ladies, what is the secret of your success?" To which I say "How can any fish know the true wisdom of the greater coral, filled as it is with squirrels?". Then the people look at me askance, and I silently pump my fist for successfully pulling off a Wrongboy's History of the Earth reference. So, for you, gentle reader, I have this small guide that should answer every question about relationships ever.

1)What is the most important thing in a relationship?

I want you to take both your hands and grab your hair. Now pull really hard. While you do that, smash your face against the keyboard. Hurts, don't it? That is only a fraction of the pain you will feel if you fail to COMMUNICATE with your significant other(s). Talk, all the time. Don't do what I do which is speak in cryptic babbling before signing out of MSN to go play Psychonauts, no. No, you talk to your lover(s), about everything. Honesty, truth, admitting they need to wear deodorant (that's a toughie), admitting you don't share their pastie fetish- these things are important. Think about it, won't you?

2) ALWAYS WEAR DEODORANT

Guys? Gels? Transgenders etc? Please, wear deodorant. There is the pleasant smell of sweat that occurs after vigorous labour, and then there is the sour, unpleasantness that is a partner who has, alas, failed to apply what my mother termed "pong juice". Please, think of the children. Imagine having to say "I remember the night you were conceived. Your mother stunk like a trailer park kegger in July." That's just not a romantic story.

3) Watch the skull.

So, you are passionately kissing somebody, and suddenly, there's this tremendous CRACK. Yes, you have hit the other person head against the floor/bed-post/wall/statue of the Virgin Mary/person behind you. Watch out for that. Do it too many times, and they'll start talking about how true love only ever happens once, or how how important Valentine's Day is and other symptoms of serious brain damage.

4 comments:

Chelsinator said...

J, you speak nothing but the truth.

<3Rina said...

Yeah, you really do. :) it's awesome!

MissCaitlinH said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MissCaitlinH said...

Pasties: There is not limit to what sort of tassely, sparkley, sequinced, bejewled, mountainous piece of embellishment you can wear on your breasts, ladies. If you don't own a pair- buy some. Most ladies have them, and those who don't want them. Really, they most fun plaything you will ever bide your spare time with. Think of the possibilities! Think of the gimmicks: flags, spiders, long explosive martini stems and lights and fish hooks and bait... endless endless endless.